Since you left, I figured I better do right. As a way to redeem myself; forgive myself for losing myself. I mean I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery hoping it would lead to a full recovery. If loving you is wrong than what does the right love feel like. I felt ill when you didn’t call or come home and disgusted plain ole irritated when you did. What started off as simple mathematics of 1+1 quickly snowballed with multiplication of summation derived of unknown variable. To save myself the embarrassment of failed excuse, I lied on your behalf to other but mostly myself. I have made what I think is the best decision to put to sleep already dying relationship. I wouldn’t hold you hostage to your promises of forever. No need for a life sentence, I rather choose my freedom.
Since you left, everyday I remember more and more about the girl no woman I was prior to…
Yea…I’m still working on this
You ran across my mind daily. My fingers race to call, text and/or IM you. But the thought of you ignoring my advances; keep me. I utter the words in my mind “I miss you”, but you will never know because my lips are sealed. Our love is a lighter to my cigarette killing me softly and eating away at me slowly like the carcinogen that you are. Maybe my love for you is auto-response to the time we shared together. Whatever this propinquity is; nothing but animalistic response to karma. No explanation available for mental clarity yet I digress and allow my pride to be my only saving grace.
I had always been a fan. I heard the your first single and it peaked my interest. Then the second track on the first album was released and I was hooked like a fiend. I brought every album on the release date. So happened a friend of mine, had a friend that could get us in and with backstage passes. Finally, I would have my chance to meet you. I had your latest cd with a black sharpie and camera ready. I couldn’t wait for the moment I would meet you, shake your hand; hug you. I wouldn’t say anything cheesy like “I’m your number one fan” or “I have all your albums”. But I would intellectually express my appreciate for your words that sung the story of my love life. At first, I was impressed. I didn’t expect you to be so down to earth and open about your life and music. You had an aura about you that was so magnetic, deeply indescribable. The funny thing was I was never physically attracted until our meeting. My heart skipped a beat when you confirmed the feelings were mutual. There was a moment when it was me and you. I fought everything in me when I resisted your lips. They called out to me. But I had to be smart. You had a wife and me a husband. I didn’t want any regrets or disrespect on my conscience. But that night you did kiss someone. As I saw my heart shattered to the floor. Giving her bragging rights and me a heartbroken heart.
“Shit! Its positive” I exclaimed as I looked at the E.P.T test. Instantly, I lost my breath. “What now?” I thought. I knew exactly when it happened. It was about two months ago. This positive test was the outcome of a farewall fuck. One last good-bye before completely letting go.
In May, I found myself at my high school alma mater. Nervous was an understatement. I couldn’t believe 10 years had come and gone. Here I am at my high school reunion. In a way, I dreaded this day. I hadn’t yet achieved that sense of greatness. “Ok! brush it off,” I told myself. “You’re going to walk in there with your head up but not nose in the air.”
I walked in with a welcoming smile and handsome husband by my side. He decided to have a seat at our table while I mingled. I saw my good friend, Monique. I gave her a great big hug. It was great to see her and she was almost looking as good as me.
All of a sudden, I felt this feeling that was vaguely familiar. It was a little like someone tapping your soul on the shoulder. I looked around the room; hoping no one could see how it was affecting me. I felt guilty and tried to hide myself from him and my husband. Monique could sense something was the matter and asked me if everything was okay. “Yea”, I responded.
“Can you hear that?” I asked.
“What?” she asked.
“Oh, um, never mind.” I responded. It was just me that I heard my heart beating 100 mph. I kind of sighed with relief and almost choked when he brushed my arm. The feeling was now a physical manifestation of his presence. I always knew I would feel him before any of my senses were aware.
My soul discerned him before any of my five senses could. But once he was close my eyes found there way to his lips. I heard every word that he spoke but my brain could not comprehend. My nose became invigorated by his intoxicating cologne. He put his hand on the small of my back and repeated his initial question.
I overcame my trance to respond. “Hey, I’m fine, thank you.” I felt my self step back for a minute. I needed to retreat so I could maintain or regain my composure. At this point, I couldn’t tell which.
I excused myself. In the restroom, I told myself to get it together. When I looked in the mirror, he was staring back at me. I was floored and speechless. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes for fear of getting lost. I don’t want to get sucked into his gravity again.
He stepped closer until I was cornered against the wall. “Tell me you want me to go,” he said. Still speechless, nothing… Our lips met like magnets.
I gave in.
I’ve been thinking and I’m always thinking…
I like you and I like us
but I’m not really sure what we are
sometimes it makes me happy.
Its like I’m only existing until I hear from you.
But then I’m frustrated
because I barely hear from you.
I want to call you friend
but you’re more than a friend
but then its like this secret friendship that only you and I are aware of…
sometimes others see & I have to belittle its existence
I care for you
but want to love you out in the open
but know it could be detrimental to my being
so sometime I run convincing myself you won’t notice
but you call me back
I’m so unsure about everything this is or isn’t
that my pride is sometime my only saving grace.
You remind me of a Jill Scott song
remembering a past lover
and coming back to reality with the conclusion
“that I was never good for you & you were never good for me
but I just remember what we used to do”
Where does that leave me?
In romance that is mostly comprise of unwritten poetry and unspoken word of what I believe to be mutual affection
“I’m not afraid of the solace of midnight that dares me to enter. I am the light because He lives with in; Jehovah’s needed vessel. I command the Heavens & Earth to conspire in my favor. I challenge any adversity that antagonize my destiny. I fret not as I follow His voice. I’m not afraid…”